And on the last day
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They say, don’t blog when you are angry…I’m not sure what they say about blogging when you are depressed, I’m sure it’s the same advice. However – I have to get this out as it has nowhere to go. I feel like my insides are all bottled up and someone just shook me up today – I’m ready to explode.
I don’t want to go back to the US.
I’m in tears in my adorable little authentic Japanese room in Tokyo because I don’t want to get on that plane tomorrow. I just spent the most amazing day seeing the Tsukiji Fish Market here in Tokyo and capturing the whole place in photographs, and I’m completely depressed because this is my last ‘outing’ for a while. Granted – it could also be lack of sleep since I had to get up this morning at 2:45AM to get to the market for the best photography opportunities – and I’ve been touring around the city by foot for the last 8 hours – trying to soak every last bit of travel up. I even went to a photography gallery that was featuring a photographs of various people around the world. I stared into the pictures thinking, I know this, I’ve seen this, I could have done this. But more than that, I enjoyed the intense colors, the looks on people’s faces, their surrounding lifestyles, it was as if my last 15 months had flashed before my eyes.
I’ve been getting all kinds of emails from friends saying that they are excited to see me (thank you for that!), so why am I not wanting to set foot back on American soil and see my home and my friends? Shit. I try to get excited – I try to trick my brain into wanting to be back, but it’s not working today. I feel terrible because it should be a happy time, going back for the holidays – but instead I’m a wreck, afraid of everything that awaits back there, afraid of understanding how I have changed, afraid of having to have answers, afraid of the cold…I hate being afraid.
It doesn’t even feel like 2 months have passed…and here I am 15 months later. I have been having flashbacks lately about my apartment, what’s in it, things I own that I have long since forgotten about…and I realize that I just don’t care about the stuff. Today I also officially gave up my cat to my lovely friend who has been watching her for a year now. I know it is the absolute right decision since my life is full uncertainty, and she loves that cat, and I’m still deathly allergic to it. However this is the perfect example of doing the right thing hurts like hell and it just piles one more thing onto this day that is depressing.
My brain is used to seeing something new everyday and I feel like there’s nothing new that awaits me. I thrive on that change and variety. I LOVE my vagabond life…LOVE it. Sure, it’s great not working…which undoubtedly feeds into that love of vagabonding – but it’s more than that. I get so much enjoyment from trying to show the people the world through my lens and my writing – and today I had a perfect day to do that (seriously – the pictures are amazing – definitely check back to the site in a few days to see them and all of my stories about Tokyo!). I get so much energy from seeing other cultures,observing the world around me, figuring the cultures out, realizing how we all fit together, and what makes us different. But it’s the last day of that – at least for now.
That’s what I keep telling myself…it’s just for now – and I do know that. However it doesn’t change the pain of this day and this moment. I hope no one in the San Francisco immigration department is alarmed if I cry when they stamp my passport…my big, thick wordly passport which is more important to me that my apartment and furniture.
Please note that this is a momentary lasp into sadness. I have been thinking about my life back in the US and what it will look like and what I will do – I actually do have a plan that doesn’t include going back to working behind a desk – but you will have to stick around the site over the next few weeks to hear all of that. So please don’t feel like you need to provide any therapy, that’s not what I’m looking for – I just needed an outlet. This is just my moment to wallow…just to let my guard down a second and let you know how I really feel sometimes.
Sherry, I’ve been reading your blog since I heard the Amatuer Traveler podcast. I have not been on the road for fifteen months, but have been on a sorta-similar-not-exactly sojourn for the past 2+ years. I just want to tell you that your feelings are perfectly normal…nrnrYou might experience some reverse culture shock when you return to the States (like, “why aren’t there loud speaker wars in the sidewalks?”) i think I remember that you are from NYC, so I’m sure all the racial/ethnic diversity might be shocking! Also, you won’t stand out – which at first was probably annoying, but by now feels “normal”. nrnrIt sounds like you have a wonderful group of supportive friends and family. They know that you’ve just experienced the opportunity of a lifetime and that your desire to keep going is not a reflection on your love for them. I’m envious of your travels which have been much more extensive and continuous than mine. Thank you for sharing your reflections on the road. You have a lot of great photographs to remind you of your great fortune.nrnrBest wishes on your return home…
I’m about to embark on my first extensive journey in January and I’ve already blogged about one of my biggest fears…not wanting to come home! Bc coming home means coming back to reality for me…and having to find that next job. It scares me. But think of all you have gained that others have not. And we know travels like this only make us better people and more humble people. Just reflect on all of the amazing times. Although I’m sure that’s easier said than done. I’ll just have to remember to live day by day and not take one moment for granted on my travels. Good luck on your journey home.
Hi Sherry,
This isn’t therapy, just a word of encouragement from a fellow RTW traveller. My husband and I returned from a year long RTW trip with our two kids in August and have spent the last three months trying to readjust to “real life.” It hasn’t been easy but we’re gradually getting used to the routine and the wonder of Western toilets and North American grocery stores is staring to wear off. That doesn’t mean we’ve lost the travel bug (we’re already planning our next trip to South America) and probably never will. I’m sure the same can be said for you. This trip changed our lives and we are different people than we were when we left. We don’t value material things as much and have learned to live in the moment and value every experience, good and bad. Just look at coming home as one more destination on your journey, one that will never end. Cheers and happy homecoming!
Here’s to Linda – I dno’t know how she does it with Cat.
Welcome back – we are SO excited to see you again.
Agreed. I totally understand, don’t think you’re a bad person and know that it doesn’t help to say it gets easier. That’s the biggest fear, isn’t it? All I will say is that I’m so sorry for the end of the trip and I think it is so entirely appropriate that you’re mourning it and a reentry to all that you purposefully left behind. Take care – we’re looking forward to seeing what comes next with you. And that’s the good news…there’s always room for a “next.”