Beam Me Up: Our Visit to the Vatican

This article may contain affiliate links where I make a small commission for purchases you make from links that you click from this article. By purchasing through these links, you support me at no additional cost to you. Thanks for your support.

Over the 6 days Micah and I were in Rome, we realized that we had a lot in common…we liked to see the sites, but we liked to see a different side of the sites – and we both loved to people-watch. Ok – like any good gay man, Micah really liked to people-watch for hot, Italian men…and I wasn’t complaining! Micah had a little Rome guidebook, so we used that to guide us through the ancient city and educate ourselves a bit when we visited the traditional sites.

I’m not much for ancient history, so I generally use the guides to gain a quick ‘cliff note’ understanding of what I’m looking at and why I should be looking at it. We covered a lot of ground in 6 days, and we saw many parts of Rome that I had never seen before. Sure, we did some of the main sites, but we didn’t linger at them; we read our ‘cliff notes’ and kept moving. Instead, we took the time to really see the people of Rome.

We encountered a great scene one hot afternoon – a bunch of teens in a huge water fight at a piazza fountain. It was extremely entertaining and a good example of how teens around the world are the same. We went to political rallies, made friends in bars, frequented local restaurants, and spent some great moments just sitting on the grass in parks enjoying people-watching. Since this was Micah’s first trip to Italy, I wanted him to experience other parts of Italy, too. Rome is lovely, but I wanted him to see Tuscany. We took the train to Siena for 2 days and found our inner artists. He spent time drawing, and I spent time writing – it was extremely relaxing. We didn’t go on tours; we just hung out in the Campo, watching people drinking wine and soaking up the sun.

When I lived in San Francisco, Micah and I formed a friendship through running, however while in Italy we didn’t run once the whole week. We were deficient in endorphins for the week. It was as if we had been taken off a drug we were addicted to…we were in withdrawal and compensated by exercising our imaginations instead. As we walked through Rome day after day, sometimes we got a little loopy…I prefer to think that it was caused by the heat – but it made the sightseeing fun!

You can’t go to Rome without going to the Vatican…at least, that’s what everyone says. However, I must admit – I’ve only been there once in 5 trips to Rome. I am not Catholic, I don’t understand the draw of the Pope, and I hate to wait in lines and go through metal detectors to go see the inside of a church – so it’s not a normal stop on my Rome itinerary. However, Micah and I did a walking tour through the Trastevere neighborhood, admiring the graffiti and the little funky shops – but when we finished – we looked at the map and saw that we were only a 5-minute walk from the Holy Land…the Vatican City. So we decided to go see what all the fuss was about.

We arrived in St. Peters Square and took our standard pictures of the vast open space, the fountains, the obelisk, and the numerous columns. The piazza is encircled by these huge rows of columns, it’s impressive as they are lined up one after another, but in a semi circle – feeling as if they are enclosing you in the space. We thought about waiting in line to go into the Basilica but wondered if it was a good idea for a non-catholic and a gay man to set foot in the holy place; lights and sirens might go off, exposing us as holy trespassers! Plus – I wasn’t dressed properly…my shoulders were showing, so even if we wanted to go inside, we couldn’t. Instead, we walked around the piazza admiring the architecture, people-watching, and getting our cliffnote update from Micah’s Rome book. It was the same old stuff until Micah came across something interesting that made me perk up.

In the piazza near the fountain, there were two metal discs in the ground, placed at just the exact point where you could stand and view the columns perfectly lined up…a mathematical/architectural marvel! I was intrigued by these discs…we MUST find them and see this! We started referring to them as the ‘magic discs’ as we hunted the piazza square for them as if we were hunting for lost treasure. Eureka, we found them! I stood on it, and sure enough….the columns all lined up perfectly. If you stepped a foot off the disc, they were no longer in alignment. I was intrigued with the planning, architecture, and forethought that they put into this piazza.

Photo: Couple making out in the park
Excitedly, I asked Micah what else the discs did…I mean, really – they seemed quite powerful – maybe they could bring me an Italian lover, or a cold beer, or simply a diet coke…that would all be good. Micah looked at me and, in all seriousness, said to me, “The discs actually beam you directly to heaven….just like on Star Trek. It’s a shortcut.”How could you not laugh at the thought of that? Ok – I’m sure that a few of you out there might be offended by this line of thinking…but in the heat of the day in the middle of the Vatican piazza….I thought it was brilliant! And no – we hadn’t been drinking…yet.

We both took our turns standing on the discs…saying our final goodbyes just in case Micah’s explanation was correct and one of us would immediately get beamed up to heaven. I kept on imagining Captain Kirk standing on the disc and telling Scotty to beam him up. At least I was dressed a little better than him; that had to count for something. It probably comes as no big surprise to hear that neither one of us went anywhere. Crap, I guess we weren’t holy enough…no shortcuts to heaven for us. Or maybe the discs just had low batteries…maybe it wasn’t us and our sinning ways….maybe the batteries just needed to be recharged. Regardless, we left the Vatican dejected and decided to stop for a glass of wine at a nearby bar. Actually, we really had to go to the bathroom, so in Rome, that means that you have to stop at some establishment, buy something, and then you can use the bathroom. Our feeling is that if you have to buy something – it might as well be wine or gelato…that day it was wine.

Photo: Girl jumping in a bouncy castle…love the colors!
We left the bar feeling good – bladders relieved, cooled down from the AC, and thirst quenched. We decided to walk along the river, past an old castle, and over the bridge to the Piazza Navona.

The walk along the riverfront was nice. However, in the distance, we noticed that there was some big, atrocious-looking silver truck blocking our pathway.
In my wine haze, I asked Micah, “What is that?”
Without hesitating, he answered, “That’s the Christ Cannon. If you aren’t beamed up by the Heavenly Disks, then you can have a second chance to make it to heaven via the Christ Cannon. They shoot you up in the sky towards St. Peters. God is there with a big catcher’s mitt.”
“It looks more like a milk truck or sewer truck…but I like the idea of having a second chance at heaven. Why not a cannon?! I always loved the Evel Knievel as a kid, and this seemed like just the kind of thing he would use to get to heaven!”
Micah continued, “Sure, it’s all great if you land in the catcher’s mitt, however all of the lost souls end up as foul balls, falling out of the range of the catcher’s mitt. The Pope just shakes his head in disgust as the lost souls fall into a big pile outside the Vatican. Of course, the lost soul pile is mainly gay men and all of their girlfriends.”
I said, “Hmm – sounds like any gay clubbing in San Francisco…could be fun to get rejected.”

Photo: Statue in Popolo
Unfortunately as we walked by to get a closer look at the cannon (aka truck), and get in line for our second chance at heaven, we realized that it was clearly out of service at this time. There was some guy working on repairing it. I suppose that some sinner got it all backed up earlier in the day…and now they ruined it for us. It was probably an American tourist who didn’t bring the right electronic converter for Europe and blew the fuse on the Christ Cannon. Oh well, Micah and I were bummed that we were unable to have our second chance into heaven – we were getting a bit distraught. To make ourselves feel better, we walked across the river to the Piazza Navona and bought a ‘Hot Priest’ Calendar. A new good-looking priest for each month…what a concept! Yup…we are going to hell for sure now.

As we wandered into the Piazza, we continued to laugh about this concept of heavenly entry. We wandered around the narrow little streets, and suddenly, a little Fiat abruptly passed us, practically running us over.
Micah was inspired by it and said, ”Ahhh – then there’s the Faith Fiat…the last chance to get into heaven if Heavenly Discs and Christ Cannon fail you. The Faith Fiat picks up hopeless hitchhikers who were rejected by the Discs and the Cannon and takes them to heaven. But it’s a small car – so there’s not a lot of room. In addition, it takes a long time to get there, but it’s worth it.”
“There are many Fiats in this town; I guess you can distinguish the Faith Fiat by the rosary beads hanging from the rearview mirror and the Fish bumper sticker,” I said.
Micah finished the thought with, “Whatever you do, don’t get in the wrong Fiat, the red one that has an ‘I brake for sinners’ bumper sticker. You’ll be sorry if you enter that Fiat – it would be disastrous.”

Upon this last comment, I nearly peed my pants.

Photo: Boys impersonating a seal…
We took a long walk back towards the Colosseum and found a great all-you-can-eat pasta place. They just keep bringing you more plates of different pasta (you can’t specify what kind) until you say, “Basta pasta!”…meaning enough pasta! We also ordered a ½ liter of house wine, and the waitress said that they only had liters of wine. I looked at Micah and said – that’s a lot of wine,…but we got it anyway. I told him that we didn’t have to drink it all. Micah countered that with, “Yes, we do.”. We recounted our day of religious antics and stories recounted over that big liter of wine and many plates of pasta! Somehow, the whole story seemed hilarious to us at that moment…(I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with the liter of wine).

Learn how to eat pizza like an italian

I told Micah that I would try my best to write about it as we wondered to ourselves if anyone else would find the Heavenly Discs, the Christ Cannon, or the Faith Fiat as funny as we did. Instead, most likely, I’ve offended some people…but it was all in good humor. Heck – I saw today in the news that the Vatican put out a new set of 10 commandments. I’m not joking. This new set of commandments is for drivers, telling motorists to be charitable to others on the highway, to refrain from drinking and driving, and to pray you make it before you even buckle up. See – the Vatican is hard at work! This just proves to me that, obviously, the Vatican has a sense of humor. I wonder if they found those new tablets in a burning red Fiat?

The next day, as Micah and I explored more great sites, we entered the Pantheon and enjoyed the amazing architecture. Once again, we read the cliff notes from the Rome book and learned that when it rains, the rain falls into the Pantheon through the large opening in the ceiling and then quickly drains off the marble floor into 22 hidden holes in the floor! Once again, I was on a hunt to find the hidden holes. When we found them, Micah started talking about the fact that out of the holes came a heavenly vapor that you could breathe in and be cleansed. Here we go again…

Photo: Micah and I in the Campo in Siena

The whole trip with Micah was great – it was completely chill, slow, and comfortable – but most of all, it was funny! At least it was funny to us at the time – I’m not really sure how the whole thing will translate…but we were pretty proud of ourselves for exercising our imaginations…granted – I didn’t find any shortcuts to heaven, but maybe I’ll have another chance when I climb Mt. Sinai next month… or maybe I’ll find yet another set of 10 commandments…the ones to use for standing in line at airport security…stay tuned!

View Rome Photography 

View snapshots of Rome and Siena snapshots

Join my newsletter

Get my best travel tips, destination ideas, and travel discounts in my monthly email!

Send it my way!